(Dark) Humor from r/jokes
I’ve dedicated my life to find my wife’s murderer.
If you can recommend someone, let me know.
Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot......
The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.
My wife asked me to please quit singing Wonderwall in the shower
I said maybe.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people you hate and then burn them
Did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.
My girlfriends birthday is in a week and she said "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring!"
So I got her nothing
What did Woody Allen's wife say at his funeral?
He was a great husband and father.
Hey, boss, my salary is not compatible with my skills!
I know that, but I can't let you starve to death
Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side...
I mean, imagine all the peepholes.
Crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet
but most have just four.
What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver
One goes WHACK “FUCK” And the other goes “FUCK” WHACK
"Sir, we're mining too many useless mineral ores."
Hitler: "Mine less, then."
Grammar Nazi bursts in: "MINE FEWER."
Hitler looks over: "Yes?"
Things not to say after sex:
– When do I put the condom on?
– Alright who’s gonna help me rebury this?
– Do you have aids ? I don’t want to get it again.
What's the difference between a female farmer and Hitler's girlfriend?
One bails her hay and the other heils her bae
I bought a christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I said, "No, I'll probably put it in the living room"
Old Macdonald...
...spelled "redirection" without any consonants.
Why are retired Nazis so good with animals?
They're veteran Aryans.
Why did the illiterate man with the 11 foot penis get dumped by his girlfriend?
TL;DR
EA Sports™ - It's in the game.
j/k it's in the dlc
why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because he's married
The nuclear launch codes have been updated.
Now they're 281 letters long.
Whats the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson ?
Neil Armstrong walked ON the Moon and Michael Jackson had sex with kids.
What has 2 wings and 1 Arrow ?
A Chinese telephone
Wing Wing Arrow?
Orion's Belt is a big waist of space.
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
Without the Arabs we wouldn't have 9/11.
It would be IX/XI.
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
Now I have $2,999,999.75.
I got fired on the first day of my new job for asking customers if they would prefer "Smoking or Non-Smoking."
Apparently, the correct phrase is, "Cremation or Burial."
I told a girl, "you look great without glasses"
She said, "but I don't wear glasses." I replied, while polishing my lenses, "yeah, but I do."
I got pulled over by a female cop...
When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said "NOTHING"
Grandpas last words before he kicked the bucket
"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries
As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?
I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
What My Girlfriend Thought on the First Four Dates
1) Good shirt.
2) Nice. A second good shirt.
3) OK, the first shirt again.
4) He has two shirts.
An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...
She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!" Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"
If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.
If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket...
You can hide, but you can't run.
A plane full of priests and children is crashing to earth
One says "what about the children?" another says "fuck the children" a third says "do we have time?"
I got kicked out of the hospital.
Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
That’s offensive
Dear people who don’t write capital letters,
We’re the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Before the prostate exam, I asked the doctor where should I put my pants.
"Here, next to mine" wasn't the answer i was expecting.
I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl.
It's 14.
A lot of women actually turn into good drivers.
So if you're a good driver, watch out
My girlfriend left me because I kept pretending to be a transformer
I said "No, wait! I can change!"
I recently saw an advertisement for a double entendre contest
So I entered my friend
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian....
.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub... The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.
Americans do use the metric system...
Because they use 9mms at school.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight
There would be mass confusion.
Did you hear about the midget that got pick pocketed?
I can't believe someone could stoop so low..
A teacher says to her class "whoever answers my next question can go home."
One boy at the back of the class throws his bag out the window.
"Who just threw that? Demands the teacher.
"Me" replied the boy. "And I'm going home."
I just bought some 12 year old scotch
Her parents weren't too happy with it though
Son, if you don't stop masturbating, you're gonna go blind
Umm... dad, I'm over here
At a funeral
Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?".
Widow: "Please do.".
Me: clears throat "Plethora.".
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.
How can you tell if an orange is male or female?
If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male. If it's bitter for no fucking reason, it's a female.
First rule of Vegan club:
You tell everyone about Vegan club.
A girls walks into an Adult Store. "Hi I want to buy that Red Dildo right there"
Cashier: that's a Fire Extinguisher you whore"
A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100m finals
I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?".
"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."
I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated buttplug
But it looks like apple beat me to it. Turns out they are already making overpriced toys for assholes
My girlfriend said to me the other day, “If anything ever happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”
Apparently, getting stuck in traffic doesn’t count as “anything”.
A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked. The assailant says "Give me all your money".
The politician says "Do you know who I am? I'm an important government official". The mugger says "Fine, give me all my money"
A gay guy and a trucker get in a car crash
The gay guy says "somebody call the police! This man just rammed into me!" .
The trucker says "what the fuck did you just say fucker? Get over here I'm gonna wreck your ass!" .
The gay man then says "it's okay everybody don't call he police! He wants to negotiate"
I just found out I'm being followed!
My girlfriend told me she's been seeing people behind my back.
I told myself I need to stop drinking so much
...But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo that talks to himself
"Indecisive" is my favourite word.
Actually, no it isn't.
A German arrives at Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris
Customs officer: “Occupation?”.
German: “Nein, just visiting.”
My Girlfriend left a note on the refrigerator that said "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened the refrigerator and it was working fine wtf
What's the best pick up line at a gay bar?
"May I push your stool in."
How do you get an apple pregnant?
You cum in cider.
Was Barry White ? Was Cilla Black ? Was James Brown ?
SURE MAKES STEVIE WONDER
A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a............beer."
The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?"
The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."
On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class.
On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane.
I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices.
He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.
My wife was wondering why she was so itchy
I asked why she pronounced it with a silent "B"
Dating women is like squaring numbers
If they're under 15, just do them in your head.
A man just assaulted me with milk, butter and cheese
How dairy
Last year for Christmas, I got my girlfriend a t-shirt and a vibrator...
If she didn't like the t-shirt, she could go fuck herself.
Dating is a lot like fishing...
Sure there is plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I am just stuck here holding my rod.
I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.
It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it.
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It's a complex complex complex.
Why did the chicken commit suicide?
To get to the other side
My girlfriend says I'm an idiot who can't do anything right.
So I packed her bags and left.
I was watching a film with my little boy earlier. He said, “Dad I’m scared, is that woman going to die?”.
I said, “Judging on the size of that horses cock, yes”.
My marriage was like a hurricane.
At the beginning there was a lot of blowing, but in the end I lost my house.
life is like a box of chocolates....
it is destroyed remarkably fast by an emotional woman.
What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny?
Where you put the cucumber.
My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning
I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"
With all these natural disasters happening,
Its almost as if the USA was built over thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
Love is like a fart.
If you have to force it, it's probably shit.
Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her New Year's resolution was.
She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited about 2017.
I failed a biology test today, they had asked me what was commonly found in cells
Apparently black people was not the answer.
Grammar:
The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
What's Harry Potter's favourite way of going down a hill?
Walking.
JK Rolling.
We shouldn't make jokes about women.
Period.
A pirate captain asks his first mate "Find out what be the Roman numeral for the two"
"Aye aye!" responds the first mate
A little Muslim kid can't find his mother in the supermarket
The store attendant says "what does your mother look like?"
He replies: "I have no fucking idea"
I asked a girl
"Can I smell your pussy?"
She said "No!!"
Must have been her socks then.
A wife is a sex object...
Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
I watched director's cut of a porn film...
At the end he actually fixed the washing machine.
I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding balance
I told her "thank you I did gymnastics as a kid".
I remember my mother telling me, “I have no favorite child.”
Harsh seeing as I’m an only child.
Hey girl, are you the working class?
You can seize my means of reproduction anytime...
My girlfriend broke up with me because she said I was too mysterious
Or did she?
The dentist said, "You need two root canals. They'll be expensive, but I'll let you pay...
..for them for $500 a month for 36 months."
I said, "Wow, those sound like car payments."
"They are."
I was at Christmas dinner with my family and I asked my Grandfather what he does for a living...
My Mother replied, "I'm a ventriloquist."
What happens to horses when they get hurt?
They go to the Horse-spital! Just Kidding they get shot.
I began to carry a knife since a robbery attempt a few years ago
Since them, is being a lot easier to rob people
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.
Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.
Son: Dad, a guy called me gay at the school today
Dad: Punch him in the face.
Son: But he is so cute.
What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?
A rooster says cock-a-doodle-do and a prostitute says any-cock'll-do
Went to the sperm clinic earlier
The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup
I said 'I'm good but not ready for competition yet'
"Mom, why didn't you vaccinate me?"
"I didn't want you to get autism, honey."
"Thanks mom. I could have not survived having autism and polio at the same time."
If online bullying has taught us anything.
It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.
What's the difference between a calorie and a dick?
Your mom can tell you how many calories she eats per day.
I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic.
I was in Daniel.
I have sex almost every day
Almost on Sunday, Almost on Monday, Almost on Tuesday, Almost on Wednesday, Almost on Thursday, Almost on Friday, and almost on Saturday
Injured myself during an Ironman marathon the other day
Got up too fast after watching the third film
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
The only idea that flat-earthers fear
is sphere itself.
What's the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?
One is a display of cunning stunts.
I like my women like I like my coffee.
Hot as fuck and all over my crotch while I am driving.
I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.
What does my asshole and my Toyota have in common?
They're both leaking tranny fluid.
Is it okay to hate a certain race?
Cause I fucking hate marathon.
Too many caucasians participate in that one.
I was at a restaurant the other day when I heard the waitress scream, "Does anyone know CPR?"
I yelled back, "I know the whole alphabet."
Everyone laughed. Well, except this one guy.
This morning, I decided to wake up my girlfriend with a gentle fuck
followed by a gentle "you"
Two priests are out driving one day, when they get pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver "Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other.
The driver turns back to the cop and says; "Alright officer, we'll do it"
How do stoners propose to one another?
Marriage, you wanna?
I'm an agnostic, an insomniac, and a dyslexic
Every night I lie awake wondering if there really is a dog.
What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?
A seatbelt
Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book
Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.
I called the Suicide hotline today
They left me hanging
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One's a crusty bus station and one's a busty crustacean.
What do you call a wheelchair-bound nun who lives high up on a mountain?
A) High roller
B) Virgin mobile C)
Nun of the above
I accidentally swallowed two pieces of string today and they came out tied together
I shit you knot
I called the rape advice hotline
Apparently it is only for victims
If you're single and you know it
Use your hands
Good, Bad, Worse, Worst.
Good: A hot girl hugs you.
Bad: You get an erection.
Worse: You realize it's not yours.
Worst: Now even you get an erection.
Why is the ocean so salty?
Probably because the land doesn't wave back
A list of puns
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
Nope. Unintended.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
The broom swept the nation away.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie.
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.
I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.
What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.
What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.
The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.
What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.
Sausage puns are the wurst.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence.
Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.
What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.
What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.
Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.
Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.
Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.
Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well.
What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.
What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.
What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru.
What do you call a spanish pig? Porque.
What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.
Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.
A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.
How do trees access the internet? They log on.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
My wife went to the doctor yesterday and was diagnosed with the broken-vacuum-cleaner syndrome
It means that they make a ton of noise and don't suck anymore.
Doctor: Don't eat anything fatty
Me: What!? No pizza? No burgers?
Doctor: No fatty, just don't eat
I went to my boss at work and said, "I need a raise. Three other companies are after me."
He said, "Really? Which companies are after you?" I said, "The electric company, the utilities company and the phone company."
I like my women like i like my microwave
In the kitchen and ready to kill any baby i put inside them.
A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up
The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY Doctor: Can you read this ? Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.
I saw a black man riding a bike
I thought it was mine so I went into my garage but it was still there chained up asking for food.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex
...but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
I signed up for binary 101
but it turns out it's a level 5 course
A cowboy gets with a virgin...
As she reaches her hand down his pants and grabs his penis, she says, "Whats that?"
"Oh that? Well that there is my rope!" replied the cowboy.
She goes a little further and grips his balls while saying, "What are these?"
'Well those there are my knots" exclaimed the cowboy. The two start going at it and the girl keeps yanking on the cowboy's nuts. "What in tarnation are you doing?", yells the cowboy. "I'm trying to loosen up these knots, I need some more rope."
I'd give you $1M if you let me bite your nipple
Woman: Sure!
licked and sucked the nipple
Woman: Why didn't you bite my nipple?
Man: Well, I don't have $1M.
An elderly man walks into confession and says...
“Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.” The priest said, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?” “Never Father… I'm Jewish.” “So then, why are you telling me?” “I’m telling everybody!”
- "Dude, sarcasm will never get you anywhere in life"
"Well, it got me to the Sarcasm World Championship in Peru back in 98"
"Really?"
"..."
People today are so politically correct. You can't even say black paint,
You have to say "Leeroy, please paint my fence."
I didn't know what to wear to my Premature Ejaculation Society meeting,
so I just came in my pants.
Why does an Ethiopian baby cry?
It's having a mid life crisis
I made a graph of my past relationships.
It has an ex axis and a why axis.
My wife asked me to get her something that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds for her birthday.
So I got her a bathroom scale.
At home, they treat me like God.
I'm generally ignored until someone wants something.
Next time someone asks you if you have found Jesus:
"Have you found Jesus?"
"Damnit, did you guys lose him again? Seriously, start using bigger nails."
What is the difference between 9/11 and a professional gardener?
One is an outside job
Sexual advisor
My boss appointed me to be his sexual advisor.
His exact words were 'When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it'.
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."
9
Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
What do you call an Alien with three eyes?
Aliiien!
A wife is like a hand grenade
Take off the ring and say goodbye to your house
A blonde decided she wanted to make some extra cash, so decided to go house to house taking on small jobs...
She went to a neighbourhood of mansions, walked up to a house, and knocked on the door.
When the owner answered she asked him if he had anything for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" She replied, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porsche; it's a Ferrari."
What's a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?
Dear Customer, Your internet service has been terminated due to copyright infringement.
What's the difference between weed and pussy?
If you can smell weed from across the room that means it's good
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
What is brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre
The lesbian neighbours were having sex last night, so I knocked on their door and complained about the noise.
I said, "Can you be a bit louder please? I'm trying to have a wank."
If I had a dollar for every time a girl didn't find me attractive...
Girls would find me attractive
"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt."
"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt."
What's worse than a lobster on your piano?
Crabs on your organ.
"This is your captain speaking"
"AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
How many Fingers ?
A blonde gets knocked off her bike and takes a nasty whack to the head. A paramedic rushes over to check her for injuries. "How many fingers have I got up?" She suddenly bursts into tears. "Fuck me, I'm a paralysed from the waist down, I can't feel any"
I wanted to die, but then I got a job.
Now I really want to die.
A leaf and a emo fall of a tree, Guess who hits ground first?
The leaf, the rope stopped the emo.
How does a muslim close a door?
Islams it
Life is like a penis.
It's all relaxed freely hanging, and then a woman comes and makes it hard.
A Vagina is like a paperclip
Tight and useful until you start putting bigger things in it.
What does a stripper do with her asshole before she goes to work?
She drops him off at band practice.
I am registered as a sex offender
...but where do I log in?
Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?
Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.
Do you know the what the real tragedy is? He didn't even finish colouring the second one.
Why do so many lesbians have short hair?
They just get really excited about scissors.
The neighbor’s dog shit in our garden, so my wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence…
I don’t see what that solved. Now we’ve got dog shit in our garden and the neighbors have our shovel…
A programmer's wife tells him to go buy some milk, and, while he's there, to get eggs.
He hasn't come back.
If a women drinks 2 glasses of wine a day, it could increase the chances of a stroke.
But, if you let her finish the bottle. She'll probably suck it as well.
When a deaf girl jacks you off
It's technically oral
The only B word you should call a woman is beautiful
Bitches love it when you call them beautiful
I am officially a pussy magnet
Magnets repel too
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
[Choking Noises]
When you've seen one shopping center...
you've seen a mall
I can't make my mind on abortions.
On one hand I like the idea of killing babies. On the other I don't want to give women rights.
A guy in a plane stood up and shouted, “HIJACK!”
All passengers got scared. From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back, “HI JOHN!”
A limbo champion walks into a bar
He's disqualified.